White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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