There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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