He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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