best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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