FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
wow bdsm is so cute
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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