i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
