Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
