Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
What happened to fro yo and sex?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
