Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
