I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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