hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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