last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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