Midget sex pt 2 tonight
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
