my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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