I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
