no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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