Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
