What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
