forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
