I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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