If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
