An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
