I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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