Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
