I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
