So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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