My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
