Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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