I'm laying in your front yard are you home
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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