And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
