dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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