Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
