Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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