wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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