My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
