In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
