2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
