in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
