You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
