Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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