You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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