happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
