After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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