I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
