I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
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