After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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