I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
