im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
