So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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