I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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