just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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