just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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