She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
