Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
