I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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