Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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