Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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